


you took the time to memorize me (my fears, my hopes, and dreams)

by komhmagnus



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e11 Lost Souls, Family Fluff, Feelings, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Plans For The Future, Promises, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Uncle!Alec Lightwood, Uncle!Magnus Bane, i think, inspired by the malec sneak peek shared by glaad, they didn't say what episode it's from so I'm guessing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 05:12:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17801663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/komhmagnus/pseuds/komhmagnus
Summary: “I have to go soon,” he says, and the words feel like ice. Magnus doesn’t know how to explain it. Doesn’t know how to explain the sudden fear wrapping his heart in a vise. Alec’s forehead scrunches in concern, and Magnus knows his expression must betray the ice in his veins. “What’s wrong?”





	you took the time to memorize me (my fears, my hopes, and dreams)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Stay Stay Stay by Taylor Swift
> 
> This started with one idea and then became a whole bunch of ideas at once because apparently I have a lot of ideas and can't shut up ever.

“When I get home from work, we’re gonna play...Sharks and Minnows!” Alec says, earning a delighted smile and enthusiastic nod from Madzie. Magnus can’t help but watch them with a fond warmth curling in his chest, and from the corner of his eye, he can see Catarina doing the same.

“He’s a natural with kids,” Cat comments quietly as Alec and Madzie disappear into the kitchen in search of treats. Magnus hums. He’s known this, of course. He’s seen Alexander with Madzie before, and with his little brother Max. There had never been a doubt in his mind that Alexander Lightwood would make a wonderful father. The thought pokes at his heart, a sharp jab of possibility.

“Thank you again,” Cat says, placing a hand on his shoulder. “It means a lot, to me and to Madzie.”

Magnus shakes his head, smiling softly. “There’s nothing to thank. Alexander and I both love spending time with Sweet Pea.”

Cat’s eyes search his, and it’s not a feeling he’s unused to after centuries of her caring friendship, but he has to fight the urge not to squirm away from her gaze. “I know you say you’re fine, but I’m worried about you,” she sighs after a moment.

Magnus waves a hand, eager to wave off the concern and the topic altogether. “I promise you, Cat. I’m okay.” He pauses, seeing the concern and underlying doubt in her eyes. “Or, at least,” he adds honestly, “I will be.”

Her gaze softens and she leans in, pressing a kiss to his cheek and pulling him into a hug. “I hope so. You deserve to happy, Magnus.” Cat pulls away from the embrace, hearing Madzie’s laugh at something Alec’s said as they reenter the room. “Don’t let yourself hurt alone,” Cat says lowly, so only he can hear. She nods slightly at Alec. “Let him in. He loves you.”

Madzie bounds over and wraps herself around Cat’s legs, let down from her perch in Alec’s arms. “Have a good trip, Mommy. I love you.” Alec’s hand finds the small of his back as they watch Cat crouch down to hug the little girl. Magnus turns his head, sees the gleam in his boyfriend’s eyes, the warmth in his gaze. He presses a small kiss to Alec’s cheek, not missing the way his smile widens just as it did earlier when Magnus had kissed his jawline.

It strikes him, for a moment, just how far Alexander has come from the man who couldn’t even sit on the couch next to him to the man who can’t help but smile and gain a rosy flush when Magnus touched him. It’s a transformation he is beyond grateful to have had the opportunity to witness.

“I love you, too, Madzie. I’ll be home soon. Be good for Uncle Magnus and Uncle Alec, okay?” Cat says, eyes meeting Magnus’s.

“I will!” Madzie promises.

“Alright, Buttercup,” Alec says after Cat has left and it’s just the three of them. “Why don’t you go put your stuff in your room?” He means the guest room, but they’d added a few touches specifically for Madzie after the first time Cat had asked them to babysit. Her face lights up and she grabs her bag from where it’s been left behind on the floor and disappears down the hallway. Alec chuckles at her eagerness.

Magnus follows Alec into the kitchen, watching as he starts a pot of coffee. Alec glances at the clock above the stove and sighs. “I have to go soon,” he says, and the words feel like ice. Magnus doesn’t know how to explain it. Doesn’t know how to explain the sudden fear wrapping his heart in a vise. Alec’s forehead scrunches in concern, and Magnus knows his expression must betray the ice in his veins. “What’s wrong?”

His mouth opens and closes mechanically, like his body remembers  _ how _ to speak but his vocal cords can’t quite create the sounds. He takes a deep breath, trying to ground himself. Cat’s words from only a few moments ago echo in his mind.  _ Don’t let yourself hurt alone. Let him in.  _ And the most important thing of all:   _ He loves you _ . “I know that work is important,” he begins, voice quiet. “And you need to be there, but…” Magnus trails off, unsure how to voice the overwhelming emotion building inside him. Or maybe he’s unable to voice it, doesn’t  _ want _ to voice it, to be vulnerable and bare his fears to the world.  _ Saying things out loud always makes them more real _ , he thinks.

“Do you want me to stay?” Alec asks simply, as if Magnus wasn’t asking the world of him. As if it was the easiest thing in the world. Magnus can’t bring himself to look up, to meet his eyes. “Hey,” Alec whispers, fingers ghosting over Magnus’s jawline. Magnus didn’t know when he’d moved from the other side of the kitchen to his side. “Look at me, please.”

Magnus finds strength in his eyes, finds an unwavering support, and some of that overwhelming fear subsides, just a bit. Just enough. “I need you,” he whispers. Alec’s fingers move from his jaw to cup his cheek, his thumb moving in soft, soothing strokes. “I don’t--I don’t know what I’m doing by myself with Madzie, I don’t have much experience with kids, and I don’t have my…” He trails off again. He can’t bring himself to say it, to speak of the loss. There’s an understanding in Alec’s eyes, though, and he feels relief. Alec  _ knows _ . He doesn’t have to say it, doesn’t have to give it that spoken reality that can’t be taken back. “If something were to happen…” Magnus takes another breath. “I’m scared.”

Maybe saying things out loud  _ doesn’t _ make them more real, Magnus thinks, because the ice hasn’t spread. Its thawing instead, he realizes, and relief and awe and hope replaces it. Saying it out loud feels like freedom.

“Then I’ll stay,” Alec says. Magnus wants to protest, doesn’t want to take Alec away from his work, from the Institute, even if he’s  _ terrified _ of getting through today alone. But there’s a surety in Alec’s eyes, a determination and, most importantly,  _ love _ . His thumb strokes along Magnus’s cheek again. “I’m not going anywhere.” He’s said those exact words before, with the same heart wrenching reverence, the same determined honesty. It takes Magnus’s breath away and he quietly thanks any and every divinity that had any part in sending Alexander Lightwood his way.

“Uncle Magnus, Uncle Alec, can we have pancakes?” Madzie’s joyful voice pulls them out of the moment, and any remaining fear in Magnus’s chest vanishes at the sound.

“Thank you,” Magnus whispers before Alec pulls away. Alec’s eyes search his for another second, and he darts in quickly, pressing a kiss to his forehead, before he turns to answer Madzie’s question.

“I think pancakes are a great idea,” Alec says, his hand finding Magnus’s and squeezing gently.

Madzie pulls herself up onto one of the stools at the counter. “Don’t you have to go to work?” she pouts.

Alec grins and shakes his head. “I decided I’d much rather spend the day with both of you.” His gaze falls on Magnus as Madzie lets out an excited “yay!” Their hands are still interlocked, and he raises Magnus’s to his lips, pressing a kiss against his knuckles.

Later, after they’ve spent the day playing and reading and watching as many Disney movies as Madzie could think of, the three of them lay together on the couch, Madzie curled into Magnus’s chest, and Magnus curled into Alec’s. Madzie’s soft snores fill the room and Magnus chuckles softly.

“She snores just like you,” he whispers. He feels Alec’s intake of breath, his mock-affronted gasp.

“I do  _ not _ snore,” Alec insists. Magnus hums in disagreement, earning a gentle swat to his arm. He laughs quietly, not wanting to wake Madzie.

“You were wrong earlier,” Alec says after a moment.

“About what?”

“When you said you don’t know what you’re doing with kids,” Alec says softly. “You were wrong. You’re great with kids.”

Magnus smiles at the assessment, the insecurity fading away just a bit as he presses himself closer to Alec. “You’re great with kids, too,” he whispers.

“Have you ever...have you ever thought about having kids?” Alec asks, his question hesitant and quiet and so easily making Magnus’s heart beat a little harder in his chest.

“Yes, but...I never thought it would be something I’d get to have,” Magnus answers slowly. “I never thought I’d get to have a family like that. At least,” he adds, hesitance creeping into his own words. “At least, not until I met you.”

Alec hums and Magnus feels a kiss pressed into the top of his head. “I never thought I would get to have that, either.” He pauses. “Well, no, I thought maybe I’d have kids, but with some Shadowhunter, with a woman I could never love. A family, but not...not the way I always wanted.” He laughs a little, nervous and flat at the memory of what his life almost became. “But then I met you, and you turned my life completely upside down.” His voice is more serious, more quiet when he asks, “Would you...Would you want kids? With me? When all of this is over, I mean. When the world is at least a little bit calmer and we’re both ready? Someday?”

Magnus cranes his head back to look at him, sees the nervous hope in Alec’s eyes. “There’s nothing else I could want more, Alexander,” he whispers.

“Your magic,” Alec whispers, and the reminder hurts, but he understands.

Magnus shakes his head. He  _ needs _ Alec to understand this. “Alexander, I would give up my magic a thousand times if it meant I got a lifetime of happiness with you.” Alec opens his mouth, but Magnus continues. “I’m not saying the loss doesn’t hurt, because it does and I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time or how to be okay right now. But I know that I will be, someday. I know I’ll adjust and I’ll heal.”

“Magnus—”

“Alexander, if I was asked to choose between my magic and you, the answer would always be you.” He doesn’t know if Alec accepts the words for what they are--the truth--but he feels Alec exhale and press another kiss into his hair.

“We’re gonna get through this,” Alec says after a minute.

“We’re gonna get through this,” Magnus repeats, the words a confirmation and a prayer and a wish. “And then,” he adds. “Someday.”

He feels Alec’s grin, feels the way he hides it into the back of Magnus’s head. “Someday,” he mumbles back, his voice muffled by Magnus’s hair and full of a quiet happiness that melts away any of the ice remaining inside of him from that morning and replacing it with the warmth of a thousand suns.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are appreciated 💖  
> Find me on Tumblr and Twitter @banesapothecary!


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